Current mood:	contemplative
Current music:	Faye Wong - Eyes on Me

I know. I know i know. Cheebz helped me. I know now. Im so happy because ive found new companionship. Not just a new boy but a whole new group of people. I've felt so distant from my 'normal' group lately. the band group. I dont know exactly what the rift has been, but its been there. Maybe my new job, maybe the fact that they're seniors now, maybe the fact that they all knew eachother already before i came and i just kind of barged in. Maybe a combination. I kind of wish i knew. But im so much happier now that i've found more people. I still love my band friends to death. But now when they're doing stuff together that i'm not in on (stuff with the drama half of the group that i dont know well), i wont' feel bad anymore. Im dreading band now though, because Kendall was always kind of the filter between me and everybody else. Like, everybody else just kind of accepted my presence cause she was there and i was attached to her side. I just kind of joined in as a freshman when they were all sophomores. Ken just kind of took me in and everybody else had to accept it. I hate putting my friends in specific groups, but thats really what it is. i have the band group, the work group, the junior high friends group, and the freak group. Band, i was accepted by Kendall. Work, i was accepted because, well, i work there, and then i met Corrigan and them through Kathy. Junior High friends were from Junior high, the people who took pity on the weird new girl. The freak group im automatically embraced in though, because im quite a freak (Jason Garza, John, Wayne, Logan, Brandon, TJ...). And there's the anime group i suppose, the people on a talking basis that share the one common interest (i am the highest on this food chain, the biggest anime fan in the school, hands down). *sigh* ... i shouldn't be complaining. why in the name of kunzite am i complaining? I have friends, no matter why they accept me they're still my friends. Im just...worried i guess. I claim to not care, but i lie. I care. I want friends. I proclaim being a freak, but dammit i want to be a social freak. One day i wish i could be the girl everybody backs away from and talks about, the next i want to be loved. I hate that, and myself for it. Im such a loser. Its not like i redeem myself by being smart or anything, i just draw shit. Im not even in art. I want to be in art so bad, but i would miss band i think. How hypocritical is that? I say i dont think im truly accepted in band but i want to stay. And its for the family. i dont care about making noises on my trumpet, unless it has to do with ska. Its the togetherness of band that i love, that we do everything together. i love that. But i want art. i love art. i love drawing. i love painting. GAHHH Im just going to go gouge my kidneys out with a wooden spoon now. -_-;;;;;;;;;;